Teenagers

    Teenagers are notorious for giving their parents and other adults gray hairs. Between the ages of 12-18, teenagers are wanting to break away from their family and explore their freedoms such as hanging out with friends, staying up late, getting a car, having an income through a job, and dating. There are also some bad things like drugs and alcohol which can be appealing to teenagers. Some of these things are good, but too much of a good thing can quickly become a bad thing. 

    I am a new dad with my first child on the way, so obviously I don't have much experience raising a teenager. I am the second youngest in my family of five, so I have been able to see the way my parents have raised the teenagers in my own family. Another qualification I have to speak on this topic is the fact that I have directly worked with teenagers for about three years. In Utah, I worked at two Residential Treatment Centers, Daniel's Academy, and The Heritage Community. In these locations, teenagers would come live in these facilities to receive the help they need in order to function as a contributing member of society. I will discuss some experiences I have had throughout this blog.

    One reason I have found that teenagers will act out is attention seeking. When a teenager acts out in maladaptive ways, they often need attention. As parents, we want to be careful not to give in to the attention seeking behaviors, but we do want to address their needs. Do they need one on one time? Are they struggling in school and they don't know how to get your attention? There are a whole range of possible reasons, but as parents we should be aware and help our children cope with whatever they may be dealing with.

    When teenagers misbehave, it is easier to react rather than to respond. Patience is key! Feel free to take a break if needed, and come back to address the situation later. It is always best to respond when you have cooled down rather than to allow your initial emotions to speak for you. A few months ago, my wife and I were having a particularly rough week and we decided to give ourselves a break and go out to one of our favorite restaurants. When we walked in, there was a girl about 10 years old and she was having a total meltdown. Of course the waitress sat us down right next to the family. My wife and I kept looking at each other wondering what the heck was wrong with this child. As time went on, we overheard the family talking about how their daughter has autism. Immediately, I felt horrible. I had judged this poor girl for something she has little to no control over. In the end, I decided that it was worse that this girl had to have autism in order for me to be more patient, understanding, and forgiving. The point I wish to make is that when we as parents feel frustrated, don't hesitate to take a break, and then address the situation later.

    In conclusion, I want to discuss an acronym I recently learned about for parents: FLAC. F stands for "express feelings". Allow for a safe space to take place where you and your teenager feel free to share what you have been experiencing. L stands for "discuss limits for the teen". Set reasonable expectations for your teenager. Be realistic with boundaries such as curfew, grades, athletics, and anything. A stands for "Discuss Alternatives". Allow your teenager to come up with their own solutions and provide guidance if they are being unrealistic. F stands for "Follow through with Consequences". Just in case you didn't already know your teenager will not always listen to you, even if you are totally reasonable. Pre-establish fair consequences and enforce them! If you count to three, all you're teaching your teenager is that they don't have to listen to you right away.

    Teenagers are tough! But those can be some of the best years of their lives, and I hope they will be some of the best for you as well. No parent or child is perfect, but be patient with yourself and with your teenager.