Loving the Person, Not the Actions

    We all have someone in our families who lives an alternative lifestyle. The alternative lifestyle can vary in a lot of ways from doing drugs, participating in a different religion, or engaging in homosexual relationships. Today I want to focus on loving those with homosexual attractions. There are theories as to why people are gay, those include genetics, victim of abuse, filling social gaps in their lives, etc. The theories go on and on. Of course these are theories for a reason because not one is accurate for every person who is gay. These attractions can be very difficult for everyone involved. For some, typically depending on your political beliefs, coming out as gay or being told someone you love is gay can be easy, or the scariest thing you've ever had to do. Strictly speaking in general terms, those who come from Liberal families tend to deal with this news better and those who come from Conservative families tend to struggle with this more. What I just talked about are the two opposite ends of the spectrum and everybody fits in between somewhere. For my family of origin, and definitely my wife and I, we are Conservative and although we've never had someone in our family come out as gay, we have discussed how we would want to respond to that situation. Many people who are Christian want to change their loved one and "pray the gay away". I don't believe this is the right response. Anyone who comes out to a family who doesn't agree with that lifestyle is incredibly brave. As Christians, our first response should be to love that person and not ask them "why?". The why question definitely has a place, and is valid because of family deserves to know what is going on, but it does not belong at the beginning of the conversation. Our first response should be to ensure the person feels safe and that they can be open about what they want to say.

    After the initial conversation, questions and thoughts are going to flood into the minds of everyone involved. Emotions might come up that weren't originally there such as anger, sympathy, love, confusion, and betrayal to name a few. For a Christian family, it is difficult to feel that you are losing a family member. According to my Social Work Professor at BYU, as a professional therapist, you want to put the client in the driver's seat, and then you help them get to their destination. As a family member, your role is completely different because you have values and morals that you want to stay true to as you navigate this new road you are on. Before all else, remember that this family member needs to feel love. It is important to understand that despite common belief, it is possible to love the person and not agree with their lifestyle. There is no reason why you should have to abandon your values because someone else decided they didn't want to live the same way. This doesn't mean you should ostracize them from the family, in fact, it is imperative that they are included and know that they are always welcome. It is never appropriate to try and force change on this person through coercion, guilt, or any other way. People only change because they want to. If you want your family member to change their life style, a good place to start is to show them the happiness you feel living a life God ordained and to live the gospel in your personal life and let your family member see you live it by praying, reading your scriptures, ministering to others, attending church, etc. 

    In conclusion, I want to stress how important it is to be loving and kind and to validate the person's feelings, not necessarily their actions. Never give up hope for your loved one, they will always be your family and deserve the best from you.