Communication and Mending Relationships

     How often do you misinterpret a message or someone misunderstands what you are trying to say? I am sure each of us have had this problem probably numerous times. It is not fun! In fact it is pretty frustrating! We communicate in many different ways such as through our spoken words, our written words, and our non-verbal communication. In this blog, I'll discuss a process we can use to overcome these situations.

    The first step is what is called "Disarming". When someone is upset with you and they blame you for something, typically our initial reaction is to become defensive which the other person is most likely expecting that and preparing for an argument. Rather than becoming defensive, try to find the kernel of truth in what they are saying. Most likely, what they are saying will have some truth, even if it is only a tiny bit and even if it is hard to hear and accept. So when you are getting chewed out, be humble and listen to what they are saying. Listen to the tiny bit of truth and focus on that. Use the Consultant Pattern when deescalating the situation. Let the person know that you hear them are reflect what they are trying to say by stating what you observed (I noticed...). Then seek to understand (What's going on?), reflect and validate their emotions, not necessarily their actions (If I am hearing you correctly...), ask for solution focused questions (What are your options?), ask questions to help them rationalize (Where would that get you?), set expectations and boundaries (That would put me in an awkward spot), and finally validate the idea (What help do you need from me?). Following the Consultant Pattern is a great way to disarm the situation and move toward a solution.

    Next, we can use empathy to smooth things over. There is an important difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is a feeling of pity and relief in not having the same problem. Sympathy isn't necessarily bad, but the person going through the hard thing doesn't want to hear that. What they need and want is empathy which is shown through compassion and understanding how the person feels. Even if we haven't gone through what they are experiencing we can still have empathy by saying "that must be really frustrating, I can't imagine how difficult that must be." 

    After empathy, our next step is to inquire or check for understanding. As I mentioned earlier from the consultant pattern, is to ask "What is going on?". When we ask this question we need to ensure our intentions are pure and that we are genuinely interested in what their perspective is. When the other person begins to state their observations actively listen. Active listening has four key aspects: 

1. Pay attention- don't allow anything to distract you

2. Show that you're listening- periodically repeat what they are saying to show you understand

3. Defer judgment- don't judge the person for their perspective. Understand that their feelings are very real

4. Respond Appropriately- Remain judgmental and don't become defensive but speak your truth.

    The next step is to use "I feel statements". When giving these statements remember the sequence of when --> I feel --> Because --> I would like. Following this sequence can help you communicate your thought and feelings in a way that is honest and doesn't come off as defensive. When giving your "when" describe the situation or event. An example of this could be "When we were playing a game with your family and you called me dumb after I made a mistake". Then move to the "I feel" and describe the emotions you felt: "I felt dumb already and then you made me feel worse by pointing out my mistake in front of everyone". Next is the "because" and we will describe our thoughts: "I thought you were making fun of me". Finally we will state our request: "I would appreciate it if you didn't call me dumb anymore even if you're just joking."

    Finally, we have our final step, Stroking. When you have offended someone or someone has offended you and you want to mend the relationship, authentically admire and appreciate the persons good intentions. Let them know you notice their effort and appreciate their thoughtfulness. Give them genuine compliments where it is deserved. You may need to dig deep if you can't think of a nice thing to say. You also need to be careful because if you are not genuine, stroking can easily be turned into manipulation. Our praise and love should not be superficial with the intent of getting what we want. Be sincere in recognizing the good things they are doing.

    I know that each situation is going to be different but I can guarantee this 5 step process can mend any relationship. It may not be immediate and you may need to repeat some steps before moving on, but eventually when we are genuine and sincere, the other person will see our love for them and their hearts will be softened.